Barney's Blog: Diversifying Your Online Portfolio

This is the twenty-ninth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive here.

This entry is unrelated to any episode.

Diversifying Your Online Portfolio

Monday, April 24, 2006, 5:47pm

If you’re an amateur social scientist like me, you’ve noticed a subtle and troubling decline in hotties at your usual pick-up nodes. DO NOT BE ALARMED! STOP EMAILING ME ABOUT IT! They’ve simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet rather than at you and your cohorts.

At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: “When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.”

In this two-part investigation of online dating, we’ll first weigh the pros and cons of online poaching. In our next installment, I’ll lay down the dos and don’ts as you construct your own online portfolio(s).

PROS AND CONS OF ONLINE DATING

PROS Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location Women more emboldened to approach you Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates

CONS Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers

Obviously, the pros outweigh the cons. Next week: Crafting a winning portfolio.

← Previous entry Too Tall For My Britches

Diversifying Your Online Portfolio (all blog entries)

Next entry → Sexual Profiling