Barney's Blog: Shooting Women In A Barrel

This is the fifth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive here.

This entry is in response to the episode Okay Awesome.

Shooting Women In A Barrel

Thursday, October 13, 2005, 8:30pm

Lately I've been hunting for an appropriate venue to test my new club uniform: a button-down Euroshirt with a reflective disco ball sheen. Ridiculous under the halogen lights of your average apartment? Perhaps. But when bathed in the ultraviolet wash of your standard nightclub, the shirt emits a pheromonal luminescence no club-going woman can resist. Why? Biology lesson: Women, like fish, are attracted to shiny and/or effulgent objects. In fact, those of you with a keen eye have surely noted that women are becoming increasingly indistinguishable from fish, as illustrated in the following scientific observations:

TWENTY-FOUR WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH

Both attracted to shiny objects
More fun to catch while drinking
Neither travel well
There's others in the sea and/or bar
Three words: catch and release
Both travel in protective groups
Small bladders
The deeper you go, the scarier they get
Their weight largely determines their value
[EDITED: My lawyer has requested that I remove this one from the blog… hint: crabs!]
They get all ornery if you try to grab their tail
Bears will eat either of them
Sometimes I likes 'em wild, sometimes I likes 'em farm-raised
You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred
Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
Seen the movie Splash? Case closed
Cold blooded. Looking your way, Stacy.
Neither can operate a vehicle
They both eat things
The harder they shake their tail, the further they'll go in life
Scales are important to each of them
They never have to buy drinks
Umm… Eggs? Duh
Can hook either with a great line