This entry is in response to the episode Belly Full Of Turkey.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005, 5:49pm
The holidays are a special time -- a special time to drink. The only successful way to combat the endless barrage of holiday traffic, painful family gatherings, and super-saccharine television programming, is to responsibly enshroud yourself in an alcoholic stupor from the fourth Thursday of November through New Year's Eve. This festive bender need not reach after-school-special-like proportions, particularly if you have designs on sharing a libation or three with a snowflake-dazed sally, or three. That's right, chicks dig the holiday-themed beverage, and your mastery of the lost art of mixology will have you roasting your chestnuts and stuffing stockings throughout this season. I've posted a few holiday-themed selections from my upcoming book, "The Gentleman's Guide to Foofy Drinks," an essential addition to any gentleman's valise.
Legal disclaimer: These drinks are the children of my own visionary brain and some of them are still in experimental/noxious stages. Neither I, nor any of my numerous affiliates, can be held responsible for any illness, fire, property damage, pregnancy, financial wagers, infidelities, or other non-disclosed malady associated with the re-creation of these delicious drinks. Remember, I'm a professional. And don't drink and drive. That's why you have a driver.
1 part Vodka
2 parts Cranberry juice
1 Boullion Cube (chicken)
A real centerpiece for your T-day spread, the Thankstini will parade down your esophagus like turkeys to the slaughter.
THE LONG WINTER'S NAP
1 bottle Rye Whiskey
1 bottle Children's Formula Cough Syrup
Liberally spike the bottle of whiskey with the cough syrup and count your visiting relatives like sheep as you drift into a holiday hibernation of contentment.
1 part Gin
1 Tree-Shaped Car Freshener
Salute our tall, wooden friends on the last April Friday with a classy tumbler filled to the brim with dry gin and stirred with your choice of car fresheners. I recommend grabbing an assortment at your local car-wash and trying out several "shades," though I find the vanillaroma and new-car the most tree-licious.
THE CHRISTMAS HAM
1 part Bourbon
1 Tbsp. Brown Sugar
1 jar Bacon Bits
Garnish this drink with a pineapple ring and enjoy all the flavor of a Christmas ham, with half the calories, and 1/20th the preparation time, allowing you more time to unwrap any tasty presents dear Santa has left you under the tree.
RAMADAN AND COKE
1 part Rum
2 parts Cola (or "Pop," if you're retarded)
Celebrate the third pillar of Islam and practice self-control with a delicious R and C. Mix conservatively as daytime fasting, while providing more bang for your alcoholic buck, might have you praying towards Mecca sooner than you know it.
INDEPENDENCE DAY JUICE
1 part Cinnamon Schnapps
1 part Milk
1 part Curacao
1 package Sparklers
Shoot this spangled shot and avoid talking shop at your next 4th of July barbecue. NOTE: Place sparklers outside rim of shotglass.
Notes and Trivia
- The Thankstini is mentioned during the Belly Full Of Turkey episode.
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